Nine

DSC_0001On our very first date, my husband asked me the question, “What are you passionate about?” I shrugged, and didn’t answer, partly because I didn’t know my answer and partly because I just didn’t want to participate in any conversation on our date. (It was a disastrous date, but hey, we’re married.)

He still asks me that question and I still don’t have an answer. But I’m trying to find my answer. 

We’ve been arguing a lot lately, which is unusual for us, and it’s good for us, too. It seems we are no longer able to coast through our life together, letting things roll off our backs or pile up in our hearts and minds. I’m bucking up against him having a hobby or a passion that, in my head, could lead to him liking something more than me. (Remember my issues??) That’s a big part of my problem, but another is simply that I don’t have a hobby, a passion, an interest, so it’s not fair that he does. 

We’ve delved into this a lot lately. Lots of tears, lots of anger, lots of repentance, lots of forgiveness. But the fact remains, I don’t have my answer.       

We’ve talked about the “disadvantage” of me getting married at 21. I went from my parents house to a dorm room, to a small house with roommates to being married. No time alone. No traveling. I went from student to wife before I even graduated. And then I went from part-time Instructional Assistant to full-time mom at the age of 24. No career outside of my home. No real reason to even leave my home. 

Would I change any of my story? Nope. Not a bit. But do I sometimes wish for more experiences, a bigger sense of the world beyond my doorstep, and a clearer sense of who I am and what I enjoy? Absolutely. 

My family is an idol. There, I said it. My family is the place that I find my value and my worth and my sense of wholeness. I give up myself for my family. I set aside my own desires and wishes for their own. I deny myself every day for them. And I’m beginning to resent them for it. 

But I am the one to blame. I am the Pharisee who has created a law which keeps me “blameless.” I have decided that the decisions I have made are the most holy, the most glorifying to God, and that anyone who does differently is just not as good. A woman who chooses to exercise and put her kids in the gym’s daycare? Selfish. The woman who goes back to school and leaves her kids with someone else? Selfish.  The woman who loves her job and pursues it passionately? Selfish. 

The woman who loses herself completely in her mothering career and convinces herself that she’s doing what she’s called to do? Delusional. Wrong. Confused. Me. 

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. 

 

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7 thoughts on “Nine

  1. So, I just have to laugh that you say you don’t know what you are passionate about. I read your blog when I see a post pop up and your writing style is very inviting. You write this so I assumed that writing is what you are passionate about. You are so good at it that I wish that is what you are passionate about. Maybe you are overthinking not being passionate about something and it’s actually staring back at you in the form of a computer screen and a keyboard!

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  2. Not necessarily a sinner, but one searching for clarity on who you are apart from being a wife and mother. That’s a good thing because each one of us has God given talents that we should develop and use. It is our responsibility to nurture our own growth as well as our children and our mate. If we are constantly giving to only them, we get used up and at some point there is nothing left to give freely. Take the journey to find your passion. Your will have newfound joy and enthusiasm for everyday things. You are a beautiful young lady with many talents and I’m sure you will figure it out. 🙂

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