It’s impossible for me to know what is going to stand out in the minds of my children when they look back on their childhood.

Here’s how I know that: I vividly remember lying on my top bunk, home from school with a high fever. I was seeing things that weren’t there, the room spinning wildly around me. I was probably 7 or 8 years old. My mom had placed the thermometer in my mouth and then left the room to do whatever it was she had to do. She would return to check my temperature after the allotted 3 minutes.

I remember wanting her there with me. I remember wishing she hadn’t left the room. I remember being hurt by that. I remember feeling sick and scared and weak and wanting her presence.

As a mom, it’s hard to think about how my mom might feel if I ever had a chance to tell her about that memory. She might be shocked- “I don’t remember that at all! I can’t believe you do!” She might be defensive- “You have no idea what was going on that day! I had this, this and this to take care of, and you being home wasn’t part of the plan.”

All I know is that that image is powerful, and it has impacted me in pretty big ways.

I’ve been thinking lately about how easy it is for to reflect on and believe in the transcendence of God. God is over all. God is sovereign. God is King. God is ruler. It is harder for me to grasp God’s imminence. God is my Shepherd. God loves me. God is close to me. God cares for me.

When I pray, I often pray through the broken message of my childhood: “God, I really want to feel your presence, but I know you have a lot more important things to do, so I’ll tough it out here. I’ll be fine. I’m okay.”

Praise God that he can bring redemption and restoration to the broken pieces of all of us.


2 thoughts on “Twenty

  1. Pingback: Thirty-six | numbered days

  2. Pingback: Seventy-three | numbered days

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