Twenty-one

DSC_0002We’ve had sickness in our house for two solid weeks now. The five of us have been passing around a cold and a separate but not equal cough/fever. Two weeks is long enough for me to believe that we will just never be healthy again. Ever.

That’s dramatic, but it sure feels true. And when I said that to my counselor last week, he didn’t scoff or try to convince me otherwise. He acknowledged my feelings and commiserated with me. He is such a kind man, to do that.

And when we talked about a difficult conversation I had recently and what was said versus what I heard/felt/believed was said, he acknowledged that, as well. If the message I’ve stored up in my heart is true to me, then we have to deal with that.

I don’t know that I’ve ever had someone validate my feelings like that. I’ve spent my entire life playing down my emotions, because I don’t trust them. You can’t trust emotions. They make you weak. No one value weakness in a person.

I’ve been reflecting on this and other lies that I have spent my life believing. I was amazed at how quickly they came to mind, and at how far-reaching the effects are of believing such things.

The lies deal mostly with expectations- the ones I always have, no matter what, in any and every situation. And regardless of the evidence of past experiences or my grip on reality, I always expect perfection. I assume that others expect the same.

That’s a lot of pressure to live with.

That’s a lot of pressure to be married to.

That’s a lot of pressure to be a child of.

That’s a lot of pressure to work with, to befriend, to know.

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3 thoughts on “Twenty-one

  1. Pingback: Thirty-five | numbered days

  2. Pingback: Thirty-six | numbered days

  3. Pingback: Seventy-three | numbered days

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