Eighty-seven

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I’ll be honest; not much has changed since I wrote about needing to look on the bright side of this in between time. It’s still a constant struggle, and it’s only made worse every weekend, when, whether for church or just a trip to the city, we eventually have to leave.

I drove home from church yesterday listening to Sandra singing that “Whatever my God ordains is right, to Him, I leave it all,” (“Sweet Comfort,” song 5) and with tears streaming down my face. My husband and I are so tired of leaving the city. We are tired of feeling cut off from the church and the community surrounding it. We feel like our motives for moving are good. We truly feel called to be there. When I got home, I texted my pastor: “Why hasn’t God moved us yet?” He replied, “I wish I knew.”

Remember last year when I changed my prayer, and God answered in a major way? I think it’s time to change my prayer. I won’t stop praying for our house to sell. I won’t stop praying for the green door house. I won’t ask you to stop praying. But more than our house to sell and the green door house to be ours, we need to pray for contentment. 

In my bible study, my leader shared a story of a girl with alopecia who, instead of only praying for God to restore her hair, started praying for God to give her peace in the midst of her circumstance. He answered that prayer. That struck me right in the gut. I won’t stop praying for God to take away my son’s diabetes. It will be my impossible prayer every year, until it happens. But I also won’t stop praying for God to use diabetes to increase my faith. I have often said that diabetes has changed my prayer life for the better. It’s so true. There’s not much in life that makes you feel more helpless than watching your child suffer and not be able to change it.

In college I had a friend undergo brain surgery. I remember praying so hard for her and learning so much about prayer and faith and helplessness. I remember feeling a bit guilty that something good was coming into my life while something so awful and difficult was happening to her. It felt selfish to feel thankful for how God was working in my life because Rachel was suffering. But as God spoke and my first grader recently memorized, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9

So why hasn’t God moved us yet? “I wish I knew” as well. But this is a fruitful time. This is a time of learning, and trusting, and praying, and sharing, and crying, and asking, and searching, and waiting. It is God at work in his mysterious ways and I trust that it will all make sense someday.

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2 thoughts on “Eighty-seven

  1. Last year, I came across a prayer in the Book of Common Prayer that stunned me into awareness of praying for peace or grace co-existing with the pain or stress of circumstance. It underscored the serenity I’d seen in some folks living with most demanding challenges. May we both learn this pairing in our days.

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