Ninety-two

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Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.

waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry.

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.

It’s all over the Psalms, this call to wait. We wait because there’s something on the horizon. We wait because the answer is unknown. We wait because we have no choice; we are not in control.

Yet there is a difference between waiting and pressing pause.
There’s a difference between waiting in faith and putting your life on hold. 

As I reflect back on 2015, it seems as if that’s exactly what I’ve done for the last half of the year. I pushed pause back in July and I’ve been stuck there ever since. Believing that God is calling us to the city, we put our house on the market. We packed up our home and we entered into a season of rooms off-limits, possessions unavailable, and unexpected showings. We stressed over fingerprints on walls, shoes on carpets, and smudged windows.

We stopped living in our home. We fixed our eyes on what we believed was just ahead and we closed our eyes to where God still had us.

Paused. On hold.

I stopped writing. I used the excuse of needing to keep my desk clear and my office clean. I had packed away most of my books. I thought it was temporary. As time has gone on, it has become easier and easier not to write, not to reflect, not to dive into scripture, not to pray.

Paused. On hold.

We’ve gone the past 4 months without a small group and without real community. We believed we would be moving quickly and didn’t want to invest in a group we would inevitably be leaving soon. As time went on, even though the desire was there, it became easier to not be involved.

Paused. On hold.

I’m not sure when it became sinful, this paused lifestyle, though perhaps it was all long.  I do know it was only yesterday that I was convicted of it. I’ve clenched my teeth, I’ve rolled my eyes, I’ve formed fists, and I’ve lived as though God has forgotten me. Has he been teasing us all along? Has he not called us to move?

“God is at work, even in the silence,” a wise friend said to me yesterday.
“When your Father’s hand isn’t readily apparent, it’s only because He’s readying gifts. Gifts always come out of the unseen and hidden places.”     -Ann Voskamp

Today, I’m clinging to those words. Today, I’m recognizing and repenting. Today, I’m looking back on 2015, and looking ahead to 2016. I’m setting goals and dreaming dreams and praying prayers, including the “impossible” ones.

Today, I’m asking God to help me un-pause, and instead, to live.

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One thought on “Ninety-two

  1. Pingback: Ninety-five (My one word for 2016) | numbered days

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